Life Updates + My Cancer Journey

Hi everyone!

It has been a minute... I was looking through my old blogs and I can't believe I haven't written or posted anything on my website since the year started, which is a tad embarrassing. There have been so many days since then where I would think about sitting down and start working on content plus create short stories like I said I would in my last blog post, but I couldn't find the motivation if I'm being completely honest. However, a lot has happened since then which has led me to finally having this moment to write and share about what's been going on.

FAIR WARNING: This post will be long due to a lot of topics I'll be covering, but please bear with me!

Since the year started, I've had my fair share of difficult situations arise. As soon as 2021 began, my only hope was for the year to not be as terrible as the previous one and I'm sure many can agree on that. Don't get me wrong - a lot of wonderful things have happened as well, but this is a blog where I said I would be open about all aspects of a situation. This is a post where I am going to be very vulnerable, but I am hoping it can help someone out there regardless if they have been through the same thing or not.

I'm taking you all along for the ride.

Truthfully, the year started out fine, but things became rocky around February.

OBI WAN KENOBI - THE PUPPY

Some of you may know that my now husband (we'll get to that later!) and I adopted a cute little Maltipoo and we named him Obi Wan Kenobi (Obi for short).

It was truly love at first sight - I instantly cried. We picked him up in Bakersfield, CA which is maybe around 4 hours away from where my husband and I live. We were so excited when we saw him, and I was extremely happy to be holding a little fluff ball because I missed having a dog after my little Luna passed away in early 2020.

Unfortunately, we didn't keep him for very long.

It was really tough raising an 8 week old puppy when in reality Kristian (my husband) and I were not ready. I will be completely open and honest about the fact that I pretty much pushed to get a puppy because I was not in a great mental state during that time, and I felt I needed that emotional support from an animal. We faced a couple of difficulties such as potty training of course, and what made it extra difficult was that we have carpet in the apartment we live in. We were very determined to train him to go outside, but Obi was not having it.

He was a very vocal and rebellious little bundle of joy, but of course that brought a lot of hard moments. I'll admit he was a pretty good sleeper, though. He didn't really cry, but Kristian and I had to take turns each night and wake up at a certain hour to take him outside to use the bathroom since puppies can't control their bladders for too long.

Anyone that has owned a puppy in their life will know what I'm talking about, but for those of you who haven't, having a young puppy is almost like having a newborn baby from what I've heard. Essentially, it's NOT easy. There were a lot of moments in the short period we had him that were both wonderful and stressful. The reason we made the difficult decision to give him back to the person that originally gave him to us was because we were not in the best place to have an extra family member. We had to think a lot about future plans, and unfortunately it would have been very tough keeping him with us regardless.

We could have stuck with it and figured it out I guess, but deep down it didn't feel right. Just the fact that there was a small doubt in our minds about how we were going to do it later in the year was already a major indicator that we made a mistake in adopting a little puppy. My husband was kind enough to agree on getting a puppy in the first place, but I openly admit I pushed for it too hard when I knew it wasn't time. I was selfish about it.

Writing about this is pretty difficult because I still think about Obi. I have those haunting thoughts of "What if we have kept him? How big would he be now?" etc. When I see random people walking in the park with their dog, I tend to always imagine myself taking him on a walk. At the end of the day, I know we made the correct decision to give him back at a very young age so he could find a family that would be able to raise and train him plus give him the time he deserves. But man oh man, I still have a hard time processing it every once in a while. I still have some guilt to work through, if anything.

My heart was broken. I still remember the car ride driving back to Bakersfield to give him back. I was unrecognizable because of how puffy my eyes and whole face got from crying. But I know we made the best decision for him, and I will forever be thankful for the person that was kind and understanding enough to let us bring him back to her.

MARCH MADNESS

The month of March was really interesting to say the least.

It had a very low point for a bit, but yet I consider it a special month as well.

As of early March, I got blindsided because I was let go from my job. I worked as a senior administrator for a small speech therapy center, and I truly enjoyed my time there. It was only 5-10 minutes away from my apartment, and I cannot remember one time I complained about my job. I loved waking up, picking up coffee and driving to my office. No one was there except one co-worker and myself due to COVID, and we had a blast working together along with having the opportunity to chat about life and listen to Disney songs all day long at the same time.

Long story short, I was let go without any warning and they did not have a specific reason for it either. What made me upset was the fact that my boss at the time scheduled a 1:1 meeting one Friday morning and it was just a follow-up. She mentioned how she could see I was really comfortable and confident in my position, and we also spoke about what new things my co-worker and I could do to speedy up certain admin processes. An hour after the meeting ended, someone from HR came by the office, pulled me aside and told me I was being let go. She handed me my last two paychecks, and told me her and my then boss have already talked about it for a while. The last thing she said was "well, good luck!"

I was completely thrown aback by what happened in just that hour, and I couldn't believe my own boss didn't even have the guts to let me go herself. And mind you, she had the nerve to also schedule a normal meeting on my last day when she knew it was coming. It was by far the most frustrating thing I have experienced. I ended up cleaning my office after that, and I left. I gave myself a few days to process my thoughts and feelings, and I ended up sending out a very long, but professional email to my then boss, the HR lady and the COO of the company. The only response I got was from HR and it was a typical email that said something along the lines of:

"Thank you for your email. We appreciate employee's feedback so we can better the company."

That was literally my face when I read it.

I was ready to beat someone up to say the least.

If any of you are wondering at this point if I'm still looking for a job, thankfully, I am not.

I was completely blessed with a wonderful opportunity not too long after but I will get to that later in this same post.

After this unfortunate incident with the most unprofessional company, about a week goes by and a couple of really positive things happened. I got to see two of my close friends that I haven't seen in two years. Having one-on-one dinners and catching up with them was really great. I missed them and I needed those interactions. The only thing I regret is not taking a picture with them.

I also started working on a new romance novel!

I am still currently working on the outline, but will definitely give more updates as I make progress.

Now, March 16th became a special day because I got married!

Kristian and I have been engaged since August 2020 and he proposed at one of my favorite places: Monterey, CA. He surprised me at the beach by bringing in my family and friends after he popped the question and it was one of the most beautiful surprises ever. Fast forward to March 2021, we had a quick wedding ceremony that took place online due to COVID. Our family/friends had the opportunity to log on and witness it so that made it extra special. My in-laws, mom, brother and grandma came over to have dinner and the beautiful cake + arranged flowers in this picture on the left is all thanks to my mother-in-law and sister-in-law. They're extremely talented!

Below are a couple of the proposal pictures:

Both the proposal and actual marriage ceremony were very special and memorable. Kristian and I will always love the fact that the only date they had available to do the ceremony was on March 16th which is one of our best friend's birthday. (We love you Roy!)

The month truly ended with a bang because a week or two after our marriage ceremony, I received a call from the tech company Intuit to let me know they wanted to offer me the Bilingual Senior Associate Accountant/Bookkeeper role. My start date was April 16th, it's a fully remote position which I love, and it's already been a month since I started working with them and I couldn't be happier.

THE LIFE CHANGING MONTH OF APRIL

Besides starting my new job with Intuit which of course I consider it life changing, now I have to get to the difficult part of the blog.

This is where I have to back track a little bit so things can make sense.

From the title of this blog, I'm sure some of you are anxious to know about my specific journey with cancer.

Let me start from the beginning.

A quick warning: Some things I'm going to write are a little bit TMI, but it's not my intention to make it awkward. There are things my body has gone through for years, and I am willing to be open about it to conclude on how I am at this point.

There are a lot of women who make YouTube videos or even write articles on the menstrual cycle: all the ups and downs including mood swings, cravings, etc. I will say right now I have never related to any of it during my high school and college years. I basically do not remember having to deal with a normal period the way most women do.

By being my ignorant self all those years, I just considered myself to be "lucky" to not have to deal with one. It never crossed my mind to go get it checked out, and I seemed to be doing healthy otherwise so it truly never bothered me. There was one time during college where I do somewhat remember having to go through a period, and a few weeks after is when I went through a pregnancy scare with my boyfriend at the time. I was never pregnant, but my body did show all the symptoms which is what led us to believe that scare. The reason I am mentioning this specific situation is because this is what made me feel like having an irregular cycle was fine - there was that possibility of becoming pregnant, and somehow I did get a period one day so in my mind, I thought "seems okay."

Summer of 2016 is where something pretty scary happened to me.

One day I woke up, and I got a period but it was extremely heavy to the point where I couldn't walk, and I passed out a day or two after it started from so much blood loss. That heavy cycle lasted about a week, maybe a tad more, and it instantly disappeared as if nothing ever happened. It was one of the worst things I have ever experienced but as soon as it went away, I just decided to be thankful and move on with life. Now that I look back, I think "wow, how could you not go to a doctor? What is wrong with you?"

That's what happens when you let pride take over.

So if you're thinking that too, I really don't blame you.

Couple of years go by, and nothing really happens … until late 2020.

Late September 2020 is when things started to get extremely difficult for me physically speaking. That same heavy cycle that came out of nowhere back in 2016 decided to come and visit me again. I lost so much blood, I passed out in the middle of the night and I became very weak. I was stuck in my room for more than a week, and I couldn't even take a nice shower because standing up was so uncomfortable. I had to think twice or maybe three times on how fast or slow I should be sitting or getting up, and I would wake up in the middle of the night crying because I wanted the nightmare to be over. It felt as if my life ended, but I was still somehow awake having to live it.

I couldn't do anything.

Same as that summer of 2016, my heavy cycle disappeared again. I went so long without walking or leaving my room that I prayed and thanked God for the opportunity to breathe fresh air again or to go on a small walk. I have never been so thankful for the little things before.

Fast forward three months later, literally a day after Christmas, that same period came back. This one lasted more than a month, and that time was finally the thing that made me reach out to anyone I knew who I thought could help me. I started taking a birth control pill in mid January which helped my bleeding in just a few days, and I started to talk to one of our friends who is a nurse. She has been so kind and helpful throughout this journey and gave me so many tips on what I could do to better myself. She reminded me that her father-in-law is a gynecologist and I instantly made an appointment with him to go get a pelvic ultrasound.

Once I started the birth control, my bleeding slowly started to stop. The first appointment I had with my now gynecologist was in mid February, and the ultrasound showed something very strange. We weren't too sure what it was, but he instantly required a scheduled surgery called a hysteroscopy. It was originally going to be in mid March, but it got rescheduled to April because I had to make sure my new insurance kicked in first.

Until then, things were going well because of the birth control. It was truly a life saver. The only thing my gynecologist wanted me to do before the surgery was to get two iron infusions because I had to get lab tests done, and it showed I was severely anemic. I can't tell you how much ice I was eating those few months and how much I was craving it. I would literally eat the ice tray while watching TV as if they were chips. It was unbelievably unhealthy.

My first iron infusion was actually done in March, and the second one was done in early April. They both had to be done before my surgery. It made such a difference because I automatically stopped craving ice which is apparently a huge indicator that one lacks iron, and I had more energy overall.

The day of the surgery comes along, and I felt extremely nervous since I've never had surgery before that. But it was quick considering it only lasted 45 minutes. People are right when they say with surgery, you don't feel time. Once you blink, everything is done. Surgery went well, of course I was very sore and bleeding a bit but I knew I was in good hands. My gynecologist was the one to perform the surgery, and he actually had to insert an IUD while doing the procedure to protect my uterus from whatever was in my left side that we saw in the ultrasound.

I ended up going home that same day, and had to be in bed, but I started my new job two days after! Like I mentioned, it's fully remote, so it was nice just being in the room still but it was pretty tough regardless to keep up with that at first.

A week after my surgery, specifically on April 20th, 2021, I got a call from my gynecologist since he received the pathology report and I got diagnosed with uterus cancer.

The ability to explain exactly how I felt in the moment when I got the call is almost impossible.

My life truly flashed before my eyes, but somehow all the anger I have carried for years for different reasons vanished in that moment. My perspective changed in a millisecond, and I decided right then and there that I was going to live my life without any regrets, and live it the way I feel is convenient for me without caring of what anyone else will think. I will say I did not enter some "rebellious" stage of "Oh, I'm going to do what I want", but more of deciding that I wanted to feel secure about myself. I have always been sensitive on how people have treated me for a long time because I naturally like to give whether it's my time, presents, throwing parties, checking up on people, etc. Many have taken advantage of that, and it has made me feel like a doormat for so long. One day I told myself I was going to become this cold, distant person because I felt very unloved and unappreciated, but I never found the strength to truly be that. It's not who I am.

After that call and that moment of realization, Kristian and I of course spiraled. We didn't know how bad it was, and so many things were uncertain. It was the scariest feeling and I didn't know what to do.

It has been a month since I got diagnosed, and the process I've been in has been successful. I have been in contact with my gynecologist, an oncologist from San Francisco and a doctor from Stanford. I had to get a CT scan and a pelvic MRI to truly see how invasive the cancer is, but both showed good results of the cancer NOT spreading anywhere. It is only in my uterus lining which makes it a very low grade cancer.

As of now, we are only waiting for one pathology report to determine what specific surgery I will be needing in the next month or so. Depending on the tumor they found, I will either need another hysteroscopy so they can just clean it out, but there is a possibility of needing a hysterectomy which is considered a major surgery for a woman my age.

With that surgery, I will not be able to get pregnant.

The people that know me very well are aware that I have always talked about having kids and how imagining myself as a mother would be such a rewarding feeling in the future. I love babies, I want to care for these human beings that I would carry, I want to show them how beautiful life is and be their guardian and friend as they get older. So of course I've had to have a lot of conversations with my doctors about this in case I do need a hysterectomy, but truthfully, I am doing fine with the thought of it.

I have always wanted to eventually get pregnant, but I know there are options out there such as adoption, freezing my eggs, etc. It is just going to be an emotional challenge when I'm ready to have kids. But I know I'll be okay.

This past month has been draining because I had to quickly learn how to juggle a new job along with making time for doctor appointments and keeping track of all the medical conversations/bills. It's a lot to keep up with at the end of the day, but I am here to tell all of you that life truly is a miracle and I felt I have taken advantage of it for 25 years just as how I felt when people would take advantage of me for being too nice at times.

I know that some of you reading this are going to be in shock by the cancer news, but please understand that I needed to take this journey at my own pace this past month to really process what stage I was in and go through it all. Besides my husband, in-laws, mom and brother, I basically only told 2 or 3 people because I knew I would need some extra emotional support along the way. And to those people, I thank you from the bottom of my heart for listening to me and keeping me company.

I'm never aware of who specifically reads my blog posts, but if someone out there is going through something related to this or is just having a difficult time with life, this is why I started my website. I know I haven't kept up with it for a few months, but I think it's necessary for humans to be there for one another. My goal is to touch someone's heart out there whether it be through my blogs or however I can.

Believe me, this particular post was scary to write because I feel emotionally exposed to some extent, but it's a part of life and I am willing to feel that if that means I can help someone.

If any of you have any questions, please feel free to reach out to me. I am open to answering anything. I just needed some time to process this journey for a while and only share it with certain people at that time.

Some were very honest with me and told me how much this worried them, how it made them sad, but didn't really know how to support me. They didn't want to mess up, and my answer will always be to just treat me as if I never told you. That's the best thing anyone can do for me and that's most certainly the best thing I can do for myself too.

I have missed writing blog posts so for now, I will post a new one whenever I get the chance. I want to start keeping more tabs on all the stuff I will be doing in general and I will make sure to write about it and share it.

If you got this far in reading, I can't thank you enough for the support.

To conclude this blog post with a positive end, I put some pictures together that I have taken these past few months in random occasions.

Sending much love to all of you.